Ever since I sang folksongs in a West Village club, I sang this song which I learned from Judy Henske. Here are the lyrics to it, but not complete — the known verses number in the high tens of thousands.
The tune? E and A back and forth, or any two or three chords you like. You can pick up the exactitudeness of the tune somewhere on youtube, I’m sure.
We’re coming, we’re coming, our brave little band.
On the right side of temperance we now take our stand.
We don’t chew tobacco because we do think
That the people who use it are liable to drink!
Away, away with rum, by gum, with rum, by gum, with rum, by gum,
Away, away with rum, by gum, that’s the song of the Salvation Army.
We never eat fruitcake because it has rum.
And one little bit makes a man like a bum.
Now can you imagine a sorrier sight
Than a man eating fruitcake until he gets tight?
Away, away with rum, by gum…..
We never eat cookies because they have yeast,
And one little crumb makes a man like a beast.
Now can you imagine a greater disgrace
Than a man in the gutter with crumbs on his face?
Away, away with rum, by gum…..
We never eat fruitcake, it’s chock-full of rum,
And one little crumb puts you right on a bum.
Now can you imagine a greater disgrace
Than a bum in the gutter with crumbs on his face?
Away, away with rum, by gum…..
A man who eats fruitcake is a terrible disgrace,
He rolls in the gutter with crumbs on his face.
Now can you imagine a more terrible sight,
Than a man who eats fruitcake until he gets tight?
Away, away with rum, by gum…..
We never drink root beer, it doesn’t have hops,
Just one little jug gives a person the trots,
Now can you imagine a sorrier sight
Than drinking some root beer and trotting all night?
Away, away with rum, by gum…..
We never eat peaches because they ferment,
And they will ferment with the least little dent.
Now can you imagine a sorrier sight
Than eating some peaches you thought were all right?
Away, away with rum, by gum…..
We never eat grapes, they ferment in their skin,
And one little grape turns a person to sin.
Can you possibly imagine a more terrible fate,
Than to fall into sin from one lousy grape?
Away, away with rum, by gum…..
We never eat oatmeal, it turns into mush,
One little spoonful turns you into a lush,
Now can you imagine the pain of a mother
Than to see little Molly act just like her brother?
Away, away with rum, by gum…..
We never drink milkshakes, ’cause milkshakes have malt.
And one little sip brings your mind to a halt.
Now can you imagine a horror more rash
Than a drunk in the drunk tank with a fruitcake mustache?
Away, away with rum, by gum…..
We never drink vodka, ’cause vodka’s erratic,
And a drink that’s erratic is not democratic,
Oh, can you imagine a sorrier fate
Than drinking some vodka for the good of the state?
Away, away with rum, by gum…..
We never drink vodka, we never drink gin,
For vodka is Russian, and gin is a sin.
We think that we all would be better off dead
Than to sit and drink vodka until we turn Red.
Away, away with rum, by gum…..
We haven’t used water since early last week,
‘Cause they opened a brewery just up the creek.
We’re living on prune juice just out of sin’s path.
Our only regret is that we can’t take a bath.
Away, away with rum, by gum…..
We stand on the corner and beat our little drums,
While we salvage the lost souls of thousands of bums.
We’re doing our best just to guard you from rum,
Do not eat that fruitcake, it’s chock-full of crumbs.
Away, away with rum, by gum…..
Okay, that’s enough verses to get you started — there are thousands of them, and more being concocted every moment, largely by those who have escaped the social stigma and spiritual slavery of Clinical Fruitcake Addiction Syndrome.
They just can’t stay away from it.
This ignores the basic fact that there are really only 14 loaves of fruitcake on the entire planet.
Nobody eats that crap. You give it to someone else next year. Yes, next year — it never seems to age, and it looks pretty much the same from year to year.
As I mentioned before, this song was taught to me by Judy Henske back in 1964, after the Teton Tea Party had added a few of their own verses.
She sings another “Salvation Army Song” as well, which is even funnier. Be sure to hunt it up on youtube.
Yes, I just had my 79th birthday, and double yes, I do know how to set a hot link in here with simple HTML, but I didn’t, because I want to encourage you to snoop about on youtube on your own and under your own steam, which is why I didn’t give a hot link here.
The trick is to surf the web without buying into a snap-trap, meaning you don’t get hooked on the click-bait.
If you consider it, you’ll see how close to traversing the Bardos without getting snagged it is, and you’ll do it more often, but not for personal reasons.
Do it because it’s there.
Now, about the song — of course you want to feel perfectly free to add or subtract verses, or you may decide, as I have, to alter the already existing verses, and why not???
It’s a folk song, which means it was written by The Folk, which includes YOU, if you add a verse, so join the Great Unwashed, the Huddled Masses, and add a verse to every song you sing.
If you merely sing the already existing verses, that still counts — it makes you an Official Folk Singer, eligible to join the Folk Alliance, which gives you the legal license with BMI and ASCAP to hold Home Concerts — not public performances, only in your own home or barn – and legally collect money for the concert — it’s all arranged, and the license is very reasonable and saves a potential $35,000 + lawsuit if you aren’t licensed and get caught collecting money for your performances.
As a matter of fact, legally you can’t even perform totally free in public without a license, and a license generally costs a not-so-small fortune.
I wouldn’t sweat it now — you can give concerts on ZOOM and have no contact. I like that idea, don’t you?
In other news, there’s the complete collapse of the United States under the weight of a full-on attack from the ultra-right.
Me, I wouldn’t worry about it.
Would you like to be worry-free? Here’s how:
This is my new Meditation Outfit. You like it? I only wear it to parties, so it tends to last forever.
(To the tune of “Streets of Laredo”)
You can see by my outfit that I’m not a ninja. I can see by your outfit that you’re not one, too. You can see by our outfits that we are not ninjas. So get yourself an outfit and don’t be one, too.
See You At The Top!!!
gorby