This is an introduction to an absolutely terrific co-op team player arcade-style PC video game that, as good as it is, just plain can’t be played, and I’ll explain why…
I guess I should tell you something about the game before I tell you why it can’t be played. First of all, it’s a variant on Team Fortress II — uses the same graphic and sound resources, same models, same engine. It’s called “Mann vs. Machine”, or “MvM”, in which you join a team of six defenders against thousands and thousands of wild insane kill-crazy human-hating well-armed and highly trained robots, wave after wave of them.
You get breaks between each wave to reset and resupply, and most importantly, to use the money collected by your scout and spy to buy upgrades for your character. The loot is split equally between all players.
The drops, the loot you get, you get to keep, provided you’ve paid a dollar to play one mission, and another couple of bucks if you want the bonus drops; a total of $3 bet on finding something more interesting than the usual TF2 drops. Mostly, it won’t happen. The drops will be very ordinary for your $3. But they encourage you to keep trying.
But that’s not why the game is unplayable.
The BOTS travel along “point” paths. They have just enough AI in them to look around and see what’s happening. They can recognize “friend” and “enemy” and that’s about all. Still, they’re smart enough to win most of the time.
A fellow I used to know back in Woodstock, NY had an unusual pig that could actually move little checker pieces around on a checkerboard. I watched with some amusement as Eddie and his pig played an actual game of checkers.
“Gosh,” I exclaimed, “that’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Aw, it ain’t no big deal,” Eddie replied in his usual laconic manner, “I beat him, two outta three games.”
Above is the Mann Company museum — the cases are a superb example of great model-making. The weapons work beautifully, and it’s fun for the engineer to have a two-way teleport and an extra sentry gun, along with all the other fun upgrades to the class.
Each class has unique and really effective class upgrades and weapon upgrades. You can even buy upgrades in the middle of combat, to help you get through it okay.
You start out very underpowered, and gradually upgrade to and beyond normal. You never attack, in the sense of leaving the compound, so it’s not like CTF or Dungeons. You’re under more or less continual and somewhat relentless attack by countless hordes of robot pyros, giant scouts, huge heavies, wired spies, grimly determined and fiendishly clever snipers and engies and enormous steel creatures surrounded by equally fiendishly clever medics…did I mention the huge, ferocious and thoroughly suicidal demo knights with their swinging bloody swords???
Yep, I told you it was gonna be fun, didn’t I? This is one particularly vicious and sneaky demo knight who managed to appear outta nowhere to take me down.
It’s built like an arcade game, never a dull moment; you have to scramble like a bunny rabbit to get set up for the next wave, and you have to make some snap decisions on upgrades — you have a definitely limited budget, and you need so much!!!
The payoff is simple; you get better drops and bragging rights with friends and foes alike. You “win” items with a perceived cash value, because they’d cost you if you bought them in the Mann Company Store…pixels for cash.
Sure, there’s a business-model here, and it involves you and your money, but that’s not why the game can’t be played. Money is not the issue.
You get used to spending money in-game, so it’s easier to spend real cash when the time comes. But that’s not it, either.
The real reason Mann vs. Machine is a total fail is the interface.
See, the designers didn’t have to wait for a game. They just went in and played, and it seemed fine to them.
They didn’t have to wade through up to two hours of waiting time to get into a game.
That’s why Mann vs. Machine is unplayable. I challenge you to find a public game at any time of day. I’ve tried, and even during the weekend only managed to find 2 games in 8 hours of continual attempts to play “any level” at “any proficiency”. No luck.
Of course, if you arrange a game between six players, you can easily find a game…your own.
But if you want to train, get onto the free public servers — it costs nothing, but you won’t have a whole lot more luck there, either. The minute they get a good team, they go into Mann Up Mode, meaning they enter a play-for-pay MvM game to get loot.
You’ll find yourself waiting for upwards of two hours, and if you wander off for a cup of hot tea, you’ll come back to a pop-up that advises you “kicked for being AFK too long”.
The screen shows you blinking dots to tell you that it’s still searching for a compatible game. It shows you that there are bloody few players worldwide anyhow, and that the few that are looking for games are by and large incompatible with you for some unexplained reason. So you wait.
And wait.
And wait.
Blink. Blink. Blink.
And eventually you give up and go play something else. And Valve can’t figure out what’s wrong, because when they game-test it, they have no trouble finding five fellow employees who are, like themselves, getting paid to play it to find the bugs.
But the one bug they never find is what it’s like for the internet player.
When I worked with American McGee, one of the most important points for him was the question: What is it like for the average online player???
This is a question that clearly Valve leadership never thought to ask. And it has cost them millions in revenue.
Game developers have one major failure; they don’t player-test their games anymore, so they have no idea what the game interface and game entry are like, nor do they care.
They follow the Chinese Business Model: get in quickly with a lot of stuff, then get out fast, before the market breaks, and tool up the factory to produce something else. Never get caught holding inventory. It’s sort of the philosophy that us day-traders used to follow in the old days — never hold stock over the weekend.
Now, if you’re not looking for a public game, there’s no problem at all. You simply invite five friends to play with you.
But if you don’t happen to have five friends who are dedicated to gaming and who happen to enjoy playing Mann vs. Machine, you’ve got a problem, and the chances are that you won’t ever get to play the whole game all the way through.
I wish I could contact Valve and talk to them about interface issues; they’re particularly insensitive to user interface, but they don’t have the high-handed arrogant attitude of Blizzard Entertainment, a company that doesn’t care what its customers have to say.
I’ll be happy to organize some expeditions into MvM if you’d like; you can contact Yanesh to get on the waiting list. See? That’s what I mean. Too much waiting, not enough playing.
IMPORTANT UPDATE:
I was asked if I would be willing to host MvM safaris. I will do so, starting today, on the usual basis, with this exception: Because of the nature of the game — there must be six players present to start the game — you cannot fail to attend.
If you typically cannot keep an appointment that you made, this game is not for you.
There is no way to replace you at the last minute. Don’t give it a thought, if there’s any chance you’ll flake out at the critical time. Gear up, grunts! Move it, maggots!!!
See You At The Top!!!
gorby