Is “Apocalypse” just going to be yet another “Civil War 2.0”, that’s so popular among game developers these days? I’m happy to say that it is.
… And not “just another” civil war game — a genuine “Oh, no, not THIS again!!!” experience. Yep, as Yogi Berra said more than once, “It’s deja-vu all over again!”.
But this game is different. It’s not like all the other civil war 2.0 games that are blowing out the doors and windows of my fellow game developers.
This game is different! No, wait, really it is. To begin with, the enemy is unbeatable and mean, and I don’t mean just plain old “mean”.
I mean “really really really mean” — mean and rotten and treacherous and nasty and foul and vile and did I mention “rotten”?
Mean and nasty and cruel, like several dozen irresponsible and viciously destructive lying, cheating and robbing Congresspersons I could name.
What the heck? I might as well name them. Fortunately for our temporary peace of mind, I don’t remember their names, and that’s pretty much how history will treat them. Forget politics. Forget the whole screwed-up planet.
Concentrate on the game.
As if it’s not bad enough that you have no armor, no belt, no helm, no boots, no gold, no mana.
In the beginning, you have no weapon, and boy, are YOU going to need one!
No use waiting to find one — you need to start fighting as soon as you step out into the game world, where the rubber meets the road.
You have several interesting choices — handgun, boomerang, bombs, crossbow, grapple, flame-thrower, rocket launcher, magic explosions or just a plain old 9mm SMG.
Don’t fret over your choice of weapons. No matter how skillfully you handle them or how destructively you overcome all odds, you can’t win, you won’t win, you’ll never win.
There is no chance for success, no opportunity to catch your breath or to choose your cover and movement. In the game of “Apocalypse”, you’re bound to lose.
Nobody beats this game and lives.
Is there a way to actually win? Of course there is — I think.
Look, I only make “fair games”, and every game has a solution. I’m pretty sure it has a solution, but in this one singular case, just in this particular game, it happens to be a bit more than just slightly out of reach, but I’m not worried.
You’ll think of something.
And don’t worry about surviving or winning, because even if you do manage to think of something, you’ll probably die in the lava anyway, and if you don’t kill yourself by falling into the lava while fighting a horrible goblin, you’ll end up in the River of Slime and be gobbled up by Low-Flying Whatnots, or melted into the asphalt pavement by the Acid Rain, and that’s just in town, where everybody’s friendly.
You can’t get killed in town, which is why I recommend just hanging around in town, unless you’re bored and you want to endure some pain?
Don’t forget, ammo adds weight to your pack, so you’ll slow down if you carry too much at one time. There’s plenty of ammo dispensers and weapon shops along the way, so only take what you will actually need from the merchants.
Of course, if this is your first rodeo, you won’t have a clue what you’ll need, so you’ll tend to overpack or underpack your backpack, when and if you finally find one, which you probably won’t, unless you read the Compleat Apocalypse Cheats & Codes Handbook, which isn’t for sale yet and when it is, it’ll cost plenty.
It won’t really cost a lot, but who could resist the punchline?
You’ll soon discover that my world of devastation and destruction is better than the one you’re in right now.
At least you know who your friends are and who is the enemy. In YOUR world, it’s always a question mark.
REMOTE READERS ALERT: Yes, you’re picking up some “psychic buzz” that’s been happening in and around the intelligence community for the past few hours — not sure what it is, but it’s worth hiding in a closet, that’s for sure.
I’ll give you the same advice we got from our third grade teacher, Mrs. Veeder:
“If there’s a bright blast in the sky, don’t look directly at it! Quickly cover your head with a sweater or jacket, and duck under a desk, and try to kiss your ass goodbye.”. That’s what she said.
See You At The Top!!!
gorby