Get out of town, get out of jail free, go to Free Parking, if you pass “Go”, collect $200 and all the other instructions you get in the course of playing the Parker Brothers’ version of Monopoly are equally relevant.
Relevant and urgent.
If you’re depressed by the events in Washington, scared to death of an unstable and childish President, unsettled by the prospect of a Vice President and a House Speaker who are even worse, and rattled by the fact that we will eventually be in a war, one way or another, you might want a way out of that hole, and Zombie Family Foods just might offer you a solution.
If you KNOW you’re in a game, the most important part of that realization is that there is a POINT to the game, and there are also RULES, but the most important aspect is the total realization that the game IS a game.
That having been said, at the end of the day going forward, the takeaway is that it’s all good — I know, right?
Yeah, you’re living on Planet of the Apes, and you ain’t gonna like the outcome.
Might as well gird your loins for the coming Zombie Apocalypse — which consists of your fear-driven neighbors swarming the neighborhood looking for scapegoats.
Why scapegoats?
Because you can’t get at the real criminals, that’s why. They’re out of reach either physically, monetarily or politically, so you look around for something that isn’t human, to hurt or worse.
Eventually any mob runs out of property to loot, and starts looking for human targets.
If you’ve ever been in or near a riot, you know what an inexorable and unstoppable steamroller a mob can be, and it can suddenly turn on a time and come right toward YOU, like cattle stampeding in a storm — don’t just stand there and stare at the lead moo-moo.
With a cattle-stampede as the eventual outcome at about 89% for a near-future prediction, you’ll want to at least L@@K like a zombie when they swarm over the neighborhood.
Don’t be a victim! Sell them some BBQ Sauce! Point to other possible victims as you do this.
The whole point is to survive, at least until the onset of the Sixth Ice Age just before the Sign of the Flying Whatnots.
At that point, the valleys should rise rather noticeably, and the mountains shall fall, and great shall be the tumult thereof, I should think, if the Word of God is anything to go by.
The low-flying whatnots. You gotta watch out for them. Duck.
Ducking isn’t always appropriate, and seldom possible, and that’s why I have brought you the Zombie Family Foods.com line of fancy foods, and it’s time you familiarized yourself with our offerings to the public, before they get frisky and their eyes start to glaze over.
You don’t want to be just now getting around to sending for hot sauces DURING a riot. You want to get a good supply laid in long before the rout and turmoil. But why the focus on food?
First of all, hot sauce and chocolate and coffee and honey are NOT “food”. They are special, and they demand special attention.
Prasad.
As you know, food is the primary method of spiritual transmission, and I have for years wanted to open our kitchen by going into production of our special foods, but this hasn’t happened yet — it would take less than $100,000 to open a first-class restaurant under my direction, and I’m anxious to teach the cooking methods we use in the Ashram, while I’m still able to stand at a stove and cook for half a day.
What I have in mind for Zombie Family Foods is a complete gift line of hot sauces, chocolates, capuccino products, teas, coffees, chocolate products, honey products, candles, incenses, oils, jewelry and more, all zombie-related, naturally.
The booth will eventually be professionally designed — engineered, actually — to create an instant-up, instant-down pop-up sales kiosk that can be installed anywhere, in any kind of weather conditions, indoors or outdoors.
Basically, a “go-anywhere” booth.
This is in the future. Right now, I’m hoping to get as many folks on board as possible, so we can open with as many products as possible, making as full a line and as solid a public presentation as we possibly can, given the small amount of capital we’re putting into it — yes, “we” — I have purchased a booth my own self, to run as an experiment in town, testing reactions and sales approaches, as I always do, so YOU don’t get stuck holding the bag.
Don’t forget that every success is built on a pile of failures. Allow yourself room to acquire a style, get some people skills and build some trust.
Those are all subjects that don’t belong in the vocabulary list of a human ‘bot, but they certainly are part of the everyday considerations of a Registered Zombie Family Member — that’d be you– so among the public, you’ll be in rare company most of the time, meaning most will be oblivious, but SOME, a very very few, will actually “get it”.
“Get what?”, you ask.
Exactly.
So I thought it might be helpful — but what the hell do I know what might be helpful — to give you a rundown of what I know at the moment about the hot sauces, chocolate products, coffee and tea products and other ZomFam stuff:
This is the flagship of our line, so to speak, the Habanero From Hell, which is a personal favorite, inspired by the hot sauce served in New York City’s Greenwich Village by my friend Mahmoun, who has made a good living from hot sauce for decades!
I had to do the Vidalia Onion BBQ Sauce, because it’s a family “rave-fave”, and I would be remiss to not include it in the very first offerings of the Zombie Family Recipe Book.
These two labels will be changed slightly, to reflect the new website address, but otherwise they are perfect.
When you send for your ZomFam Sales Kit, you get everything you need to start selling the minute you unpack them!
It’s so simple, so easy!
The price of ALL the Hot Sauces is $7.99, half the retail, and the price of ALL the BBQ and Steak Sauces, which come in a much larger bottle, is only $9.99 again, HALF the retail, so you can mark it up all the way to $18, if you’ve got the nerve, and it’s WORTH IT, every penny!!!
This is good, wholesome food lovingly made by a family that works together with care and attention, in a small licensed kitchen in the far-off land of Georgia, where I went to school at Riverside Military Academy back in the 1950s, a legendary time that never existed — it’s all part of the background story, but that’s not important right now — marketing is.
Here’s the third offering in the ZomFam “muy caliente” line — Cayenne-Garlic Hot Sauce, and believe it, if nothing else does it, in the words of my friend Jonathan Winters, “this stuff will definitely set you free.”
Speaking of personal spiritual freedom, the hot sauce business should keep you out of trouble and in touch, and the fact is that hot sauces will, about a year into the emergency, bring a fancy price, if you can arrange a safe trade, which is highly unlikely unless you happen to be one of those “open carry” folks, because in super-bad conditions, those with weapons AND trade goods do better than those who don’t have both items under control.
When the world is reeling from the shock of political expediency and the immediate environment becomes dangerous, I always recommend “no contact”, but if you need food, water, medical attention or shelter, you’ll need people skills and combat smarts combined, just to survive the summer, but never mind all that right now — what’s the next hot sauce?
“Chi-pot-lay” is how most hot sauce enthusiasts seem to say it, but hell, it’s up to you to adjust language to your local population, if such a thing is possible and, yes, this is a best-seller and may actually outsell your other sauces.
You’ll have to figure out the re-order schedule, allowing at least two weeks to go by before you can get your hands on more, so “We Ship!” is Uncle Claude’s solution to this problem, which means it’s not a problem, it’s a feature.
We ship, we deliver.
In a big fair, you’ll probably want several cartons of hot sauces, and if you have a good morning, you’ll be out of product by noon, at which point you proudly and with full intention say, “We Deliver!”.
You should deliver that line in much the same tone as you’d deliver a line out of the Bible, with authority and satisfaction.
Southern Peach BBQ Sauce is amazing, and this is made in Georgia, Peach Country! A peach is featured on the Georgia State Quarter, and I have a bunch of them in MS-64 or better, ready to go into a checkers game set!
It’s not just chickens that Georgia is famous for — or for which Georgia is famous, depending on how you like your participles, dangling or non-dangling.
For myself, that sort of editorial micro-management is the sort of nonsense up with which I shall not put — can’t take the credit for that line — it’s a Dorothy Parkerism, like “Miss Parker, it’s three o’clock in the morning, time to get ready to go shiing!”, to which she reportedly replied, “Oh, skit!”.
I think my Authentic Buffalo Wing Sauce is going to be a hit. Do you like the barbecue set? I’ve put it up in Second Life and left a number of setups there for you to take selfies with, if you like.
We’ll be developing an ongoing story for the Zombie Family, and we might telecast it in the Ashram.
I originally had the idea of putting angel wings on a group of American Bison and posing them in mid-air, but went for the family picnic angle.
In calculating the label, I remind myself that only one side is compromised, and the framed box containing the legal information can be placed on either the left or the right side of the label, so you take screenshots accordingly, or at least, I do.
In the case of the Donner Party Relics that I’m offering for sale, the key is the fact that the material in the collection is BRAND NEW material to be added to the already existing bestselling book about the Donner Tragedy, by the writers of the letters in our possession.
There’s more than enough added material to give the owner a new copyright on the original book, plus editorial and historical material can be added to insure a new copyright.
This is a guaranteed best-seller — can these private letters between the two sisters reveal what actually happened at Donner Pass?
Roast Raspberry Chipotle BBQ Sauce! If you want something totally unusual that’s really hot and really addictive, this is it!
I set this up in the Empire Theater, then de-rezzed the theater — it only goes up when it’s in use, which has been a few times in the recent past, but may be more in the future.
It’s a fun place to visit, very Bardo-esque, very much reminiscent of the Opera House, especially the upstairs.
I’ll be sure to put it back in permanently, once I figure out a good location.
Meanwhile, you might want to actually TRY the Roast Raspberry Chipotle, because once you do, you’ll not only be able to recommend it, you’ll be hooked.
…And speaking of “hooked”, wait’ll you try our latest offering:
Yep, Tequila Chili Sauce, you read it right, and it’s hotter than the Sahara Desert. Don’t believe me, no problem — For ten bucks, I’ll send you a single bottle and I’ll pay the postage.
You will order many of these, particularly if you not only sell, but partake your own selves, especially if you have a large family with an insatiable appetite for “hot”.
The tiny desert-dweller town is upstairs in the Ashram somewhere — I’m sure someone will find it and post the location.
Again, you’re welcome to take some selfies there with the zombie population, and if you have an adventure up there, please post it somewhere handy.
Now, that’s just the hot sauces. When you send for the ZomFam Sales Package, you also get the collectible tins with stuff inside them.
These three hot or cold drink mixes come in the ZomFam Sales Pack. They’re the large tins — real TIN tins, not the cardboard or plastic imitations, making them eminently collectible.
These tins all sell for the same price, $9.99, which is half the retail and, yes, you CAN get the retail price on these by selling them in a beautifully made gift basket.
This is the kind of thing I’d put on a discount coupon to get customers into the store. Use the coupon in a local newspaper AND in a handout flyer!
Hang on, because there’s a LOT more to come in the ZomFam line of foods and other goodies!
See You At The Top!!!
gorby