I remember Woodie Guthrie’s guitar. It was emblazoned with a clumsy handpainted scrawl that said “this guitar kills fascists”. There’s a video, “Power of Song”, in which Pete Seeger shows how to bring about change, real change, by empowering the people.
I can’t say whether there was voter fraud in the last election — I think it might very well be the last — but I can say with certainty that no one has even considered counting the VOODOO VOTE. Voodoo practitioners are uncounted — just try to take a survey and see what happens to you.
By my rough estimate, there are approximately 259 MILLION people out there who have their backs up against the wall, facing forced exile from friends, family and supportive jobs, which means, there goes the rest of the family right with them.
Have you ever found yourself wondering what to do in order to protect yourself, your family, your home, your business, your social security, your medical benefits and coverage and your personal freedoms FROM YOUR OWN FUCKING PRESIDENT???
Okay, so what’s that got to do with anything?
Well, I’ll tell you. People feel helpless. Just helpless. They’re faced with the biggest, richest bully they’ve ever seen in their lives, and he has banker friends who can help him finance his own “Blackwater” private army if he takes it into his mangled head to overthrow himself, as Nero and Caligula did Back in The Day.
Magic, both black and white, is always popular among the poor and disenfranchised, because what else have you got, to give you enough hope to carry on? All ordinary avenues of expression and family and home and job protection is unavailable to you — you’re just a working stiff, with no real voice. There is no popular vote, just the machine.
The thing is, there are some highly experienced voodoo queens out there, along with a large number of wannabe Harry Potters with the Official Harry Potter Magic Wand & Sorcery Kit — which really does exist, you can find it on eBay — not to mention all the spellcasters from a wide variety of cultures and backgrounds, even off-world in a few cases.
There are sorcerers, wizards, shamans, all sorts of magic-users in this world, and there’s no reason to suppose that they won’t use it, when deprived of a voting voice by the Electoral College, whatever the fuck THAT’S supposed to be.
My point is that they are threatened by the Trump Administration. Every weirdo in America is under direct threat from the Fourth Reich.
So, if I were the kind of magic-user that took offense and felt aggrieved and under attack from the New Washington (see SlimeWars for what this really means, forecast with names, dates and places over 45 years ago at its first publication), I’d probably use my most bizarre magical spells to protect myself and my family and friends and lifestyle and freedoms.
I wouldn’t want to see things like these on the Psychic Wizard Market:
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN MENTAL ITCHING POWDER — This works intermittently, in sporadic randomly timed unguessable and indeterminate time patterns, to make any Trump itch uncontrollably, for just a few seconds at a time.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN MENTAL WHOOPEE CUSHION — Whenever you activate this spell, all Trumps will emit an odorless, harmless fart sound from their rear end.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN MENTAL HOT-FOOT — Gives any and all Trumps the definite mental sensation of having a hot-foot administered to them. Great for parties and other public gatherings.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN MENTAL JOY-BUZZER — When activated, this paranormal quantum effect gives Trumps the sensation of having their right palm tickled for just a second or two.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN MENTAL FLY-IN-PLASTIC-ICECUBE — Not a copy, this is the original mental fly in the plastic ice cube, made even funnier by the fact that it’s strictly mental, and no one else in the room can see it.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN FAKE VOMIT — I’ve been asked politely to please not describe this effect in detail.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN DOGGIE-DOO — A Plastic Poo Pyramid that emits a foul odor and a smoky, greenish haze that will fool your friends.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN HAIRPIECE — Not a copy, this is the Real Thing. Not only is it wearable, it’s alive!
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN GORILLA MASK — Don’t just bust your seams. Now you can LOOK exactly like the Raging Gorilla that’s inside you, just bursting to get out! Have your way every time! Overwhelm! Break their shit!
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN BRAIN TEASER — Just joking — there’s no sign of a brain.
THE PLAN
Gosh, I wouldn’t even bring the situation up about all those Wizards and Warlocks and other magic-users out there just itching to get hold of some of that powder, but you don’t really want the karma of the Dark Side magic stuff, right?
I hope not, because the result is never what you expect or want. To avoid bad karma, do NONE of the above. Instead, I propose the following remedies for the politically helpless:
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN COMEDY ROUTINE — $9.95 — What better way to handle Trump and Trumpism than rough-and-tumble Trumplestilskin comedy? Gags written just for you, by Leslie Ann, personally pointed and barbed to hit home, all constructed for your personal delivery, and don’t worry about the content of the act. She concentrates on his weak points, like his mind.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN VENTRILOQUIST DOLL — $350 — Professional vent dolls can run into the tens of thousands of dollars. I charge what I have to in order to pay folks to do some mechanicals on the doll. You can use mine, or you can make your own Trumplestilskin Vent Doll, with a used suit filled with dacron, a small ordinary volleyball, and a used mop.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN MAGIC ACT — $350 — I’ve created a complete magic act using a Trumplestilskin Doll as a prop. You send him into a different dimension, change him into a pig, make him vanish, reappear and perform a card trick. Your crowd will roar with belly-laughs at his shenanigans.
- THE TRUMPLES COMIC BOOK — P.O.R. — Includes my template and designs for the Trumpies At Home, and other comic book fantasies.
- THE TRUMPLES SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON SHOW — P.O.R. — Lin Larsen and I design the characters and the environment for the show. We produce the final result and guarantee a new show every week for a 26 week run. You are responsible for the broadcast costs, but on the other hand, you get the income from the advertising.
- ELVIS TRUMPLEY IMPERSONATOR ACT — P.O.R. — You get the entire Claude Needham Elvis Trumpley Costume, an Original Customized Weird Handpainted Guitar with Full Cast Signed pickguard, the iconic black-and-white checkered Land’s End wool shirt, and much, much more. We’ll even help you make a video for Youtube with you as Elvis Trumpley, of course.
- SEVEN NO-TRUMP, A BROADWAY MUSICAL REVUE — P.O.R. — Impress your friends and family when you tell them that you’re backing a Broadway Musical Revue! Wow, will they be surprised, and you will be too, when they call the men in white coats — but wait! They’d be making a mistake. This show will be bigger than “Springtime for Hitler”!
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN EFFIGY — P.O.R. — I provide the original and the mold to make this incredible crushable talking doll that looks like it came right out of the pages of the Brothers Grimm, you manufacture and market it worldwide. You will be thrilled at my incredible marketing plan for these little Point-of-Purchase Countertop Register Items that are just perfect for those family picnics and barbecues. These little puppies are CUTE as a PUSSY, and we have the offshore people to manufacture them cheap as dirt.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN CHEAP GARDEN PRODUCE — Picked by Unpaid Workers Living in Paper Shacks and eating out of paper plates. — I predict that this is gonna be my hottest product. Talk to my people about rights and marketing plans for this incredible, cheap-like-dirt product, which comes directly from The Wall. Hey, remember the Berlin Wall? The Great Wall of China? The Pink Floyd album? Get your lettuce before it wilts.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN “NO MAKEE CHINA” WEBSITE. — Special price! Inquire Within! Includes complete website creation and all that this entails. If seriously interested, contact Claude.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN “NO TRUMP VIBES HERE, PLEASE” INCENSE — This incense is the kind that Donald Trump HATES, along with Mexicans and all the rest of those Un-American non-white guys. Dispels ALL Trump vibes, and drives away any vestigial Trump supporters that remain in a mixed or integrated neighborhood or building project.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN ATHLETIC SUPPORTER — P.O.R. — I create the design for the product, package it and ship it. YOU supply the wherewithal to do that.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN FART MACHINE — I know, I know. I said “no whoopie cushions”, and I meant it. This is different. It’s a fart machine, not an inflatable cushion. It’s a device that YOU control, YOU set it off whenever you like, and make the fart sound seem to come from anywhere you choose, just like our illustrious President does at home!
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN TAX-EVASION METHOD WORKS EVERY TIME — In order to get away with this amazing self-help scheme to own everything in the entire world and to dominate every bitch in the area, all you need do is get yourself elected President, then have your dozens of lawyers stall any inquiry into your tax returns until you’re out of office, if ever.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN TYRANT KIT — This is the Tyrant Kit of choice, the king of the hill, top of the heap! It’s the Tyrant Kit that put Julius Caesar into Power just by crossing the Rubicon with his private mercenaries! You can be the Tyrant Ruler Forever with this amazing Tyrant Kit. It has everything! A silent and bitterly complacent mate, children who can’t wait for the reading of your Last Will & Testimony, and a squadron of zombied-out goons who are prepared to carry out your slightest whim, should they survive your temper tantrums, for which you will someday be famous.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN RUDE AWAKENING FACE CREAM — Transforms your face into that of a rude, belligerent, chaotic and thoroughly scared and angry orangutan, thus creating many terrific photo opportunities for all the selfies you’ll want to post when you get this amazing new product.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN CERTIFICATE OF SANITY — Haw, haw, fat chance!
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN SWASTIKA ARMBAND — If you can’t beat them, join them! This will make anyone overlook your thick Jewish accent, hooked nose and dark complexion, but it might not help much if you’re Mexican or Middle-Eastern.
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN THOROUGHLY VETTED ALIEN CERTIFICATE — You can’t be just ANY alien to deserve and get this certificate and award. You have to be a Certified Orion or a Grey to get one, so if you’re a Nordic or a Pleiadian, just fuck off, okay?
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN PROTEST SIGNS — Might as well get them now, while they’re still cheap, and there are still some people unoffended and unattacked for the moment, standing around, wondering what the fuck just happened…???
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN “YOU’RE FIRED” SIGN FOR AMERICAN WORKERS — Sure, NOW you’re hired, but soon you’ll be fired, so we can get our roads built and our sewers draining properly, and you look like just the dummy to do it, too!!!
- TRUMPLESTILSKIN iPHONE APP — $9.95 — Download the TRUMPLESTILSKIN APP today, and get into line, which forms at the right. Hysterical? You bet. Wild? More than merely wild. Over-The-Top Awesome on Steroids!
There, I believe that’s all of them. I have even more ideas for a variety of applications, such as a 7-No-Trump Orb, that keeps the INFLUENCE of Trumpism from your door, although not from your neighborhood. You can’t extend this over someone else’s domain, just your own, although you can turn a neighbor on to The Plan.
I just happened to look to see if “Trumplestilskin” has been used by anyone. Gosh, it sure has. It’s taken on a sort of “meme” meaning, “to scream senselessly and insanely on a meaningless topic”.
See You At The Top!!!
gorby