I had no idea what a log-jam had been built up on the issue of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and as a matter of fact, thought we were done with the subject, but I’m now deluged with emails and messages asking for help in digging out of a relationship with an NPD, and I’ll try to give you a boildown on what I know about the illness. Keep in mind that it has only been identified and studied fairly recently, and not everything is known about it by any means, and that it is currently believed incurable.
I had a terrific visit with Harry and Valerie yesterday. He’s an expert and a clinical psych on the subject of NPD, and after several hours of discourse, during which he helped me clarify several important points and issues related to the illness, he said something that really pins it down for me, and I’ll try to get the quote as close as I can to what he actually verbalized:
“…anyone married to an NPD has only one course of action, calling a divorce lawyer as fast as they can.”
I would say, as soon as they realize that they’re in relationship to an NPD and that they’re not imagining things, that it’s real, and that there is no known cure for NPD, which makes change impossible and therapy highly unlikely unless forced, in which case, it can’t work.
The NPD will try, usually successfully, to convince you that it’s all in your imagination; you’re not being controlled, not being manipulated, not being used as a source of praise and admiration for a soild and crushed and ridiculed young child in the body of an adult.
There is no cure. The NPD will continue to betray you again, and again and again, to your total incredulous disbelief, until you finally have had enough. When will that be???
If you’re in a relationship with an NPD, there is nothing you can do except call a divorce lawyer, because you’re going to continue to be victimized as long as you willingly maintain the relationship, and you’ll maintain it as long as your victimizer can convince you that you’re too weak to get away, too crushed, too unsteady, too unskilled and untalented.
The Big F*cking Gun of the NPD is your kindness and good heart, your nurturing spirit that wants to forgive and forget and repair the marriage. Your good heart is precisely what he or she wants to destroy before moving on to the next victim.
You can’t imagine how easy it is for the NPD to feign any emotion, any empathic connection, any sympathetic reaction, if it feeds their cause. NPDs need food of a certain kind, and this is always connected with praise, appreciation, concern and even worship.
It’s hard, almost impossible, to break out of a relationship with an NPD, because you’re an object to the NPD, and you belong to the NPD as part of the perceived Treasure Hoard of possessions. I’m told that I left a lot out of the previous blog on the issue of NPD, and it’s true.
To make up for it, I’ll now go into a rather technical dissertation, but if there’s a word you don’t understand or a phrase you don’t get, email me and I’ll elaborate.
Like Charles Dietz of Beetlejuice fame, An NPD will not easily let a victim go, because their victim is a kind of equity, an Owned Object, about which we’ll talk at length at a workshop.
The NPD will watch you squirm and suffer without a single shred of remorse, because they feel nothing; their emotional centrum was shut down and locked up when they were just kids. A slightly oversimplified description of NPD could be “a knee-jerk reaction to a profound childhood shock”.
Your NPD partner will convince you that you can’t stand alone, can’t take the shock of doing for yourself, that you have no skills, no talent, no value. The NPD will try to make you feel ashamed of yourself, sorry for the NPD and afraid of the world at large. Is this someone with whom you want to share a bed and a bath and a walk-in closet?
Because of this childhood shock comes an inevitable distrust of anyone, especially as an authority. There is no one smarter than an NPD.
Fritz Perls, the developer of the original Gestalt Therapy — there are many offshoots and variants now, as you’d expect from active researchers and clinical conditions) sent for me back in 1971, and I responded by going immediately to Cowichan, just in time to take over the admin at the farm, not the lake. I had no directive from Fritz regarding the lake workshops and retreats, just Cowichan Centre for Gestalt Research in Duncan, period.
Fritz passed away rather suddenly, although he knew weeks before that he’d be leaving soon; in his place stood a lot of very competent folks, veritably “holding the bag”.
They all came through with flying colors, saved the Movement, and Gestalt is very much here to stay, although that was the exact opposite of Fritz’s last wishes as I understood his plan. He felt that Gestalt had become too “wooden”, too stiff, too rule-bound by rigid newbies at the clinical psych trade.
In 1968, when the first serious clinical findings on NPD — Narcissistic Personaly Disorder — were delivered by Heinz Kohut, a Jewish physician who had been driven out of Germany by the Nazis in 1938 and in 1940, succeeded in escaping to America, there was little clinical evidence and no sign of effective treatment other than to modify behavior at the expense of reality.
It’s important to understand that Kohut’s mother was an NPD, who isolated him from his peer group, kept him under powerful control and domination, and made him feel inferior. He later came to realize that this can create a condition of Narcissistic behavior, and thus named the disease, and disease it is. It is not deliberate, nor is it in any way under the conscious control of the sufferer of NPD.
The singular reason that NPD is not treatable is that the NPD does not perceive a problem.
The old name for NPD was “megalomania”, but it didn’t describe the problem. Hitler was an obvious and rather extreme example. By all reports, he did not take criticism or bad news well. The thing is, only 1% of the population is afflicted with NPD, but that doesn’t fit the picture I’ve seen. I know at least a dozen people with NPD partners, and several who are in fact NPD and, by the nature of the disease, don’t know it and never can.
In my book, I’d guess that at least 20% of the population suffers from one form or another of NPD and yes, there are many forms of it, because NPD technically isn’t actually an ilness, it’s a Defense caused by an illness.
Technically, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an illness that results in a clinical level patient who is totally immersed in personal appearance and the opinions of others about themselves, without realizing the pain they’re causing others as a result of their actions and statements.
There’s set of dead-giveaways about NPDs. They expect to be treated like royalty, although they’re far from it. Grandiose sweeping gestures and impulsive actions are highly likely, with a wildly overblown sense of self-importance and specialness which belies a singularly unperfected set of skills of various kinds.
Impatience is a primary indicator, along with other presentations, of NPD and this, along with a tendency to defend against input with the usual “trust issues” that abound in cases of NPD. Clinically speaking, there is no actual cure, just behavior modification, which could lead to the NPD becoming even more of a predator, so it typically isn’t suggested.
The NPD is filled with an overinflated ego, expecting recognition and admiration from all sources, without doing anything special to earn this and other forms of reinforcement. The cause of this is clear:
NPD is one result of a person feeling that they are in some way damaged, flawed, an outcast, a befouled reject. This is reinforced by neglect or overindulgence by a parent or both parents — often it’s a combination of indulgence from one, and neglect from the other; in any case, the child feels, probably justifiably, unwanted.
The answer? Compensation and a Defense for the Compensation, usually a form of splitting, which is a defensive mechanism that makes someone bad when they disagree or frustrate, and good when they agree or satisfy; but there are other clever defenses that have only partly been mapped and indexed.
The human mind is an amazing pot of mental spaghetti with endless potential for messy explosions, because NPD sufferers react to criticism with rage, defiance or total disrespect for the source of the criticism.
The NPD knows more than anyone. Had Hitler not outguessed his experienced generals, he might have won the war. This is one good side to the NPD not being able to take input.
Rejection, humiliation and threat-level are the typical impacts on the NPD from simple and well-meaning criticism or suggestions that don’t coincide with the NPDs hidden agenda. Yes, the agenda of an NPD is always hidden. They don’t grow any other kind. The Narcissistic Supply is maintained by aggressive ingratiation and sadistic submission.
In all cases of NPD, there is some element of gambling, especially sexual, by risking contact with untested sex partners, a sort of “Polish Roulette” played with an automatic pistol instead of a revolver, where the gun goes off every time, which technically is a form of “little suicide”.
If you’re trying to make any sense of this disorder, forget it; there is no access to the clinical level patient, none whatever. Trust issues and a sense of innate superiority will win over any suggestion, input or criticism you might hesitantly put forth, always risking the rage of the NPD… you never know what might provoke a reaction, because nobody knows the hidden agendas but the NPD.
You see these traits in your child? Not to worry, it’s part of normal development, but if Narcissistic traits persist past the age of, let’s say, 8 or 10, or continue well into adulthood, it’s clinical, and there is no cure, so I guess the NPD’s self-perception of being “damaged goods” is more or less justified.
Many kids of divorced parents blame themselves, and this is reinforced by one or both parents by one being over-indulgent and the other being restrictive and demanding. Even more damage can be done by parents who subscribe to the Poisonous Pedagogy Syndrome, which involves heavy suppression and physical restraints and punishments, amounting to a small dose of BDSM every day of the child’s life.
Little wonder that we see a blowup in the form of NPD.
The dramatic and impulsive and passive-aggressive and impatient and manipulative NPD has other equally enviable traits. Their fragile self-esteem has a defense mechanism that goes all the way from smiling ingratiation to unbridled rage in a spit second, depending on what the NPD thinks will work best.
The manipulation is not about anything. An NPD has to hold ALL the power, ALL the cards and ALL the winnings. Manipulation is strictly to keep control. Manipulation is one of many Inner Defenses that the NPD has with which to beat down any suggestion that they might, in fact, be as inferior as they subconsciously believe.
All the emotional outbursting is phony, the whining, the weeping and the self-recriminating breast-beating when they’re caught at something.
NPDs feel nothing; they use emotional outburst and sentimental purrings as weapons to achieve their end, without a single thought or concern for whom it might hurt, exactly what you’d expect from a scared kid who is convinced that they are “unclean”, “untouchable”, something no one would want.
Never cuddle with an NPD.
The NPD has, by the nature of the illness, a lot of heavy and manipulative sexual overdrive and “love addiction”, which is so prevalent I don’t need to describe it.
Sex partners are there for the NPD just to provide adulation, admiration and service. Rough sex is often part of this acting-out of domination and control.
Other partners on the side are totally necessary for the NPD, to boost the ego and to give the NPD the satisfaction of putting something over on their partner. Oh, yes, that’s part of the trip, and it’s best you remember that as your partner rationalizes their bestial behavior. There is no cure.
An NPD is special, and expects and requires special treatment.
Of course, it isn’t justified special treatment. It’s always a result of a temper tantrum or some form of quiet rage, some under-the-surface buzzing of negative vibes — the primary tool of the emotional manipulator.
The NPD always seeks emotional power from others, and when he or she can’t get it directly, will tend to sleep with the most powerful person they can hook up with, or the best-perceived best “catch of the day”, but rest assured, tomorrow it will be someone else.
The continual inner turmoil and agitation inside an NPD needs continual suppression. This is created and maintained by a constant pressure toward anyone on the outside. A sex partner or life-partner is the perfect target for bring-downs, put-downs and devaluation, thus elevating the self-esteem of the NPD.
If you’re in relationship with an NPD, there’s one thing you mustn’t do — be creative. It totally threatens the NPD, whose hold on you is dominated by successfully belittling you, convincing you that you don’t have any skills and lack the confidence to put across any skills you might happen to have. This is for me the First Indicator of Clinical NPD — a dysfunctional parental relationship can be a factor, but is not enough to cause NPD by itself.
In the male population, which is about 50% of all NPDs (it’s not a gender thing) mental instability is not uncommonly associated withe NPD; mood swings, depression, high anxiety, substance abuse including alcohol, flirtation and aggressive sexual seduction.
Symptoms of NPD can include Bipolar Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and direct division, ie; Paranoid Schizophrenia. In small doses, these are more or less normal in children, but in adults, the effects are either sublimated successfully, or the illness erupts in a flowering burst at about age 12-18.
Amongst women, alchohol and indiscriminate sexual flirtations are the most common signals that NPD is present and severe indications may show a clinical level of illness. Many female NPDs are easily hurt, and their NPD is a direct result of some deep childhood shame, not uncommon among sexually abused or molested kids, of which there are millions or billions, most of whom have buried the memories, but some don’t and can’t, and they tend to become NPDs.
Narcissism in females is arguably connected with some eating disorders, one of which is a profound dislike of eating in the presence of others, or an obsessive desire to hide when eating. This is the subject of a recent study, and has other interesting features, among which is the overlay onto the core narcissism, creating an unbreakable Ideal Ego, which has as its main feature an insane glee of self-esteem.
Another side feature is the Narcissistic Defense, which goes delusional when attacked even by accident; in this second case, the NPD claims that others misunderstand him or her, and that they are being subjected to outrageous and ridiculous conditions, especially job-related incidents where rage is suppressed by outside circumstances or ruled ineffective by the NPD and therefore dumped in favor of whatever works now.
An NPD can be your most devoted friend or your most vicious and determined enemy, depending upon how useful you are to them at the moment to perform the only task they hold dear, the one thing around which the entire world revolves — their control of you.
The one thing an NPD must never know is that they have NPD. This would destroy the fragile self-esteem they have put in place and held there with egoistic pride by blaming others for their bad decisions, controlling, self-indulgent or just plain indulgent with no particular target, self-absorbed and intolerant of others or their opinions, are totally unaware of the needs of others, completely indifferent to the pain they cause, and the NPD tends to be obsessed with making sure that everyone’s view of them coincides with their own view of themselves.
The most common reactions of an NPD to criticism, even to a mild suggestion moderated by “or not”, is a thoroughly predictable feeling of rejection, plus an explosion of unbridled humiliation along with the definite feeling of threat.
In this case, it’s ego-threat, but that seems deadly to the NPD, for whom the protection of the fragile ego is what life is all about, and you’re just the one to help their project reach completion while yours goes undone.
Don’t blame the NPD — this is not an illness that can be controlled. The very nature of the disease is that the NPD must never know he or she has the disease. That would destroy the fabric of self-importance that has been carefully built up over the years.
Someone who had been treated in the past for a Personality Disorder might have developed a defense against treatment. It’s easy to do — the doctors know nothing, they’re a bunch of idiots. In this case, the patient would easily justify not continuing treatment, because it is, in fact, useless. You can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip.
What I mean is, an NPD is bloodless. They’ll whimper, they’ll whine and they’ll purr and fuss all over you if you give them plenty of approval for being what they accidentally have become. Reinforcement, reinforcement, reinforcement. Keep that crazy mixed-up kid from remembering how f*cked up he or she is, and it’s all someone else’s fault.
Gee whiz, that’s the history of Adolph Hitler in a nutshell. Praise, admiration, adulation, arms raised in the Nazi Raised Penile Erection Salute. That’s right, Hitler knew it that his salute was clearly suggestive of a male erection. He was crazy, not stupid.
Hitler was a classic NPD. He reacted to ego-threat with rage, because he could get away with it. An NPD who gives himself or herself permission to rage can be very dangerous, and this is what often leads to the pine box at the end of the NPD trail, and sometimes the kids get taken down, too, which might not be better than suffering “Broken Home Syndrome”.
The really clever NPD will appear disdainful of any input or feedback from anyone, and will project a character that seems withdrawn, yet completely comfortable socially. This will be laced with an apparency of great humility and serene contentment and delight.
I don’t think you quite grasp it yet. The NPD can lie easily while staring you in the eyeballs, and unblinkingly tell you the biggest bullpuckey story you ever heard, and they won’t crack a smile. Never believe anything an NPD tells you; everything is designed to get affirmation and reinforcement for their inner world, which catalogs you as a Controlled Object in the clinical sense of the word “object”.
There’s a sweepingly grand flair to the NPD, who makes a living by being charming and seductively appealing. You could listen to an NPD for hours.
It might not be your idea, but it might be hours of discourse, mostly complaints about how everyone else is keeping your NPD down, how you’re betraying him or her by not being in 100% agreement, and how others are blaming him or her, plotting against him or her and in all ways being offensive and obstructive to your NPD, before you’re allowed to go about your business so long as you stay hunched over and looking harmless.
That is The Position. You’re expected to cave in physically as well as mentally and emotionally, to satisfy the cravings of the devious mind of the NPD you married, yet it’s easy to divine your “right moves”. Anything that justifies the NPD and makes his or her attacks on you effective is the “right move”.
A Narcissist has a unique type of badge system. Here’s the WEBELOS badges of the NPD:
1. No ethics whatever. Integrity is just a way of getting what you want. Unscrupulous, manipulative, exploitative and uncaring of the pain of others. Deceptive, arrogant, amoral and vindictive, dominating, disloyal at the touch of a button, and contemptous of, yet fearful of, authority.
2. Amorous beyond belief, to the extent that virtually everyone becomes someone to hit on until they give in. Sexually easily seductive, smooth and beguiling, smiling, fascinating, witty and clever, pretends intimacy where there is none, very hedonistic pleasure seeking and focused on extreme physical sensations; an erotic exhibitionist, likely to show up nude at a picnic or in a sheer nightgown at a downtown mall.
3. Although the NPD is a lying, cheating, conscienceless creep, everyone seems to be thoroughly enchanted, bewitched and amazed at the NPD. Dogs, cats, horses and kids dance around the NPD adoringly. Is everyone fooled? Yes.
4. Compensation is the key to some NPD behavior. Feelings of deep inferiority and shame are counteracted by an illusion, a manufactured set of carefully engineered enhancements and enchantments, to cover the fear of being exposed. Yes, that’s what it’s all about.
5. Elite. Yes, the NPD is a member of a special higher level of society, one that is so exalted that they expect no word of contradiction, nothing other than what they have ordered to happen.
6. Privilege and Power are the paradigm goal, but not the real one. The Good Life, favor and status are important to the NPD, ultimately so, often to their own destruction. An NPD is always upwardly mobile, and will abandon one partner in favor of a more likely partner to take them where they want to go, which is to the top, naturally, the one place they’re least likely to actually go. An NPD is always concerned with Power by Association with the Powerful.
7. Fanaticism goes hand-in-glove with NPD. Someone with an arrested emotional development disorder that stems from childhood will usually manifest paranoid tendencies — everyone’s plotting against them — and they cling to a tendency to want to be omniscient, to know everything that’s going on around them, so they can protect themselves from magical attacks and psychic attacks and emotional attacks and physical attacks, little realizing that that’s an accurate description of their own behavior.
8. Anger, rage, impulsiveness, impatience and sexual aggression are all approachable by clinical methods, but ultimately only very minor and occasional behavioral changes will occur with therapy, because the NPD soon learns to use the therapeutic solutions as yet more ammunition and weaponry toward recovering that lost self-esteem, that lost value.
Of course there is a cure for NPD. Absence of NPD. Don’t worry about your NPD mate — NPDs have no sense of personal limits, no sense of the pain they bring with them, and they can and will ALWAYS take care of themselves. That’s what their lives are all about.
See You At The Top!!!
gorby